Who am I and what has shaped me?

Feeler, Lover, Herbalist, passionate Chef, Artist of Life & Connection

Life has shaped me on so many different levels. I live my dualities. A colorful mix of extrovert and introvert. I enjoy being around people and just as much just being by myself.

Every day anew I learn to express my feelings and wishes. In the past, however, this was not so easy for me. As a child I already had a hard time expressing myself, it was often extremely difficult for me to express my feelings or to say what I actually need.

I grew up in a loving home, which I am very grateful for. I was allowed to experience a lot of physical affection, especially through my mother. What was a gift and is still reflected today in my touch and I may pass on, professionally and privately.

However, there was a lack of communication between us. To really say what the other felt or wanted without manipulating the other was difficult. My parents didn't know any better because they didn't learn it themselves. 

 I was a very bright and at the same time extremely sensitive, dreamy child. A dreamer, they say. I often started to cry bitterly when I was actually angry. I knew no outlet for anger or disappointment. One result of this blockage was shame, a sense of otherness, and an underlying feeling of not being understood.

When my father died when I was 15 and my mother 6 years later, it ripped the ground out from under me and at the same time was one of the biggest initiations of my life. I fell into a quagmire of substance abuse, repression and isolation from the rest of my family and old friends. Being intoxicated, being numb, not being confronted with my past and the unbearable feeling of being abandoned, escaping became my everyday life for a while.

At some point, love tickled me out, I moved to the other side of Germany and started over, choosing different perspectives.

At the age of 30 the wide world called me. My urge for adventure, departure and new experiences could no longer be suppressed, the inner voice became unmistakably loud. The long-term relationship was mutually terminated (how convenient!), job quit and backpack packed. 

My time of traveling was a giant leap! My outer and inner world was turned upside down. I got to experience new ways of living, explore new perspectives, and most importantly, rediscover myself. 

I was able to feel things that I was not ready to feel before, a whole new kind of intimacy arose in me. I was allowed to learn from other cultures, live with nature, acquire plant knowledge, create my own medicine, participate in ceremonies and see life as a ritual. 

The planned 6 months turned into 4 years.

It was a time full of ecstasy and also of deep pain. Between the end of 2019 and 2021, I experienced three pregnancy losses. This intense time triggered a process of self-healing, stirred up many inner issues and finally introduced me to the powerful knowledge of the womb.

My experience with loss allowed me to appreciate life even more. It taught me to let go, over and over again. Nothing is for eternity everything has an expiration date.

This has left a deep impression on me and awakened an immense desire for life and all its magic in me. My connection to the great mystery became deeper. Acceptance of what is and the ability to accept the cycle of life as it comes have become my strengths.

The stars take back what they have lent you and eventually you learn to dance with it.
 
Now you have a small insight into my story and I am happy to accompany you on your way, in whatever way this may be.

I feel like going into contact and see what we can weave together.

Because the quintessence that I drew from my life so far is to get way further together, than alone.

with heart

Xx Lluvia xX